Roll out the Red Carpet! Light the lights! Thaw out the Billy Crystal doll from cryosleep and give the joke writers from Home Improvement a job. Yes it’s the Oscars®™©don’tyoufuckingtrynothingbitch! So here, from a deep insiders perspective (my uncle is Tom Cruise’s gynaecologist plus Fabian once jerked it to Dunston’s Day Out) is:
Mach/Lap’s Guide to the Oscars!
Things guaranteed to happen on Oscar night:
- Everyone will clap and shed a tear for the moving tribute to actor and heroin enthusiast Phillip Seymour Hoffman whilst secretly paraphrasing in their heads the immortal words of Tony Curtis ‘Fuck him. One less guy I have to compete against.’
- There will be a musical montage that, despite Ellen’s best efforts, will in no way be funnier than what Seth MacFarlane did last year.
- Somebody somewhere will be offended by something and will write about it not realising that no one gives a shit about their opinion. This will be called The Internet.
- I will continue to heckle Gwyneth Paltrow every moment she is on screen because I am offended she won an Oscar by pretending to have a dick. I am not offended that she pretended to have a dick, but by the fact that she robbed Cate Blanchett who should have won that year, dick or not. I am offended by this and will write about it on The Internet.
- No matter how bad this Oscars is, it will never be as bad as the ‘Letterman Oscars’.
And the Nominees are:
Essentially the prequel to Terminator. Joaquin ‘The Living’ Phoenix falls in love with i Can Haz Cheezburger and ends up getting dumped by Skynet, proving once and for all that Siri can give you directions but not a happy ending. (Boom!) Phoenix perfectly captures that heartbreaking moment of realising Apple don’t give refunds.
For best effect, try watching it using Fran Drescher’s voice as a replacement for ScarJo’s. No Oscar for you Mr Sheffield!
George Clooney plays Hal 9000, a man who sacrifices himself once he realises his only way back to Earth is to spend 87 minutes in the company of Sandra Bullock. Sandra gets to act out evolution and the frog at the end is cool. This film should win an Oscar purely for the fact it has a sub 14 hour run time, seemingly a requirement for nomination these days. Also, the liberal use of shaky cam increases acting performance by 13%.
Wolf of Wall Street
Pretty much a home video of a weekend at Leonardo Di Caprio’s house. Jonah Hill gets fat again so he can be funny. Best thing about this film is at nearly three hours long I got to have a nap halfway through and still see more boobs.
Christian Bale gets fat, bald and hates his wife, making this pretty much the sequel to The Dark Knight Rises. Amy Adams is Selina Kyle and Jennifer Lawrence plays their Super Villian Nemesis The Magic Vagina. Alfred is played by Christian Bale’s gut while Jeremy Renner gives a superb performance, unfortunately just not in this film. Bradley Cooper is out acted by Louis CK and decides to sign on for The Hangover 4.
12 years a Slave
In the land of Equestria, Princess Celestia’s apprentice Twilight Sparkle is sent to Ponyville to learn about the importance of friendship and I haven’t seen this movie.
Nominated for: Best Attempt at Salving First World Guilt, Outstanding Achievement by a Tom Clancy novel
A container ship is relieved of its goods by scary but poverty stricken locals meaning you could pretty much remake this by hanging around the docks in Footscray with fifty bucks and a camcorder. Tom Hanks elected to grow a beard for this role in the hopes of Oscar glory. It didn’t do him any good so he should go back to losing or gaining weight like a proper actor. His beard is 7-2 favourite for best film.
Nominated for: Outstanding Reversal in Career Credibility, Best performance by a Weight Loss Professional, Outstanding Achievement in Shameless Oscar Pandering
Matthew McConaghey is dying of Aids which would have been much more useful prior to Sahara. Essentially a Hallmark picture saved from the LifeTime Channel by big names, the incredible performances by such titans of acting really do make you realise how much weight they lost. Jennifer Garner tries to hitch a ride on the Credibility Train by not wearing any make up.
Nominated for: Outstanding Achievement in Crotchety Old People, Best Screenplay Lifted from an Episode of The Littlest Hobo
The state of Nebraska is home to a place called Carhenge, one of the coolest and weirdest places to make out and/or masturbate, not unlike this movie. A dark horse for the gong as, being shot in black and white many Academy voters may mistake it for Schindler’s List.
Nominated for: Outstanding Achievement in Making Up the Numbers
Will not win as it obviously sounds like a Roald Dahl novel.
Best Actor: Ooh who will win? The guy who got fat, the guy who got thin, the old guy or the guy whose name sounds like a drunken Scrabble board? Or maybe the guy they should have given an Oscar to years ago for a superior performance that he will never be able to better. Yeah, give it to that guy. Personally I’m hoping for Phillip Seymour Hoffman to snag it, floating down from Heaven, flipping everyone the bird and saying ‘Method bitches!’
Do you really care? Do you? Then get out.
Blah blah blah editing, blah blah blah screenplay blah blah blah let’s face it, you turned up for the frocks and to see famous people try their best not to look put out. In the interim you snuck out for a kebab and two eps of Parks & Rec. I don’t blame you, I did the same during this article.
But all in all, no matter who takes away the statue, the important thing to remember is that the real winner today is money.