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I’m selling a sizeable bed for a low, low price. It is an old bed and has seen better days, but it still works as a bed.  I can’t be bothered finding measuring tape. It’s bed-sized. If you have a room that is for beds,  then this bed will probably fit inside it. “Bed” is definitely one of those words that sounds really weird when you keep saying it over and over again. Bed. Bed. Bed.  A bit of trivia for you; this bed was actually featured in an indie film, which I know might sound like it was used in some cheap amateur porn, but trust me, that’s not the case. I wish it was, cheap amateur porn probably would have made more money. Although, full disclaimer – I DID lose my virginity in this bed, and I think it might still be in there.

Bed 1

In this first picture, you can see a light on the bed-head there. It is my light, and does not come with the bed, but HOLY SHIT, why doesn’t someone make a bed-head with an inbuilt light?! That’d be awwwwwwesome.Bed 2
In this second picture, a child’s Batman costume can be seen under the bed. It also doesn’t come with the bed, though I might throw it in if you really want it. I don’t have children, but I once bought the child’s Batman costume at a K-Mart then tried to fit into it and then subsequently got stuck inside it. It was a very depressing day, I wrote an article about it. You don’t need to know this.

Bed Strip Tease

In the third and final picture, I’ve pulled back the sheets so you can see the mattress (which DOES come with the bed, as it is in fact a very inegral part of the bed). It kind of looks like the bed is showing a little shoulder, doing a bit of a strip-tease for you… fwoar! Look out, this bed has got its eye on you, sugar! Maybe you and the bed will become lovers, and when someone asks you “so who are you sleeping with?” you can say “more like who am I sleeping ON” and you and the bed can high-five. I’m not sure how exactly you and the bed will high-five… I couldn’t be bothered finding measuring tape so I’m sure as shit not gonna work out the logistics of high-fiving beds.
Oh, and if any of the above pics show the bed on a sideways angle, it is because the pics uploaded sideaways, not because the bed is able to bend the strict laws of our planet’s gravity. Sorry.
One last thing; the bed’s skeleton comes apart to make moving it more convenient, but that’s actually the part I hate the most. The under-planks (or the “bed-spine”, I guess?) get all tangled, and the metallic bits are heavy and cumbersome. I smacked my temple with one once, and smashed a fancy light with one another time. Seriously, fuck that noise, I’m not going through that bullshit again.
$25 for the bed, but it needs to find a good home (or a shit home, I don’t care) by this Saturday or else it’s beddy-byes for this old bed, ’cause this bed’s gonna get the chair. Bed. Bed. Bed.

© Fabian Lapham

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